Social Distancing is Kindness: #FlattenTheCurve

I've been a global health advocate working on infectious diseases for over 10 years now. But this Sunday morning (instead of going to church) I'm writing to you as a science-loving mom to encourage a shift in attitude about how we view a world-wide and national plea for social distancing. 

I'm well aware that a policy of social distancing goes directly against a core American ideal of individualism ("I have the right to do what I want and you can't stop me!"). But Americans are compassionate, too. Together, we can turn an attitude of forced isolation to one of solidarity in kindness.

The Science of #FlattenTheCurve
It's now too late to stop the spread of the corona virus, so we need to take every precaution to SLOW the spread. That's what people mean when they use the phrase "Flatten the Curve." They're talking about a graph representing the number of daily cases over time. This graph from the CDC shows what we are trying to achieve with social distancing: a reduction in the outbreak's peak. We want to slow the spread of the virus so that everyone doesn't get sick simultaneously, which would overwhelm our ability to care for everyone.

Source: CDC and distributed by Vox

The most important part of the "Flatten the Curve" graph is the location of the peak in relation to the dotted line. The line shows the limits of our health care system. That's the point where we reach the maximum care that our doctors, nurses, clinics, and hospitals can provide. The worst case of a big spike in COVID-19 would be health care rationing! 

Source: Washington Post

If you really want to geek out with more detail, The Washington Post put out an article today with several excellent simulation models showing how social distancing works.  









The Need for Kindness
Crossing that health care line would be especially alarming because we all know who gets access to anything in the US when a resource is scarce...the wealthy. High-risk medical populations and people experiencing poverty would be most in danger. The virus would spread quickly through populations unable to self-isolate (hourly employees needing money to survive, homeless populations, etc).

Isn't it the most noble thing we can do...to use our personal actions to protect the most vulnerable people? Isn't it an exercise in kindness and compassion to protect the lives of our elders, our neighbors in ill health, and people struggling through this crisis in poverty?

Stephen and April
Folks are worried. They're scared and asking for our help. But don't take it just from me. Read two stories from my friends who depend on our actions to keep them safe.

Steven lives in Syracuse, NY, and is in a life and death struggle with kidney failure every day. I follow him on Twitter because of the way he daily expresses his love of his family, Disney, video games, Huey Lewis & the News, and other things we have in common. But he also tweets about what life is like waiting every day for a kidney.

Source: China Centre for Disease Control & Prevention

Steven says:
"I'm sure this pandemic with COVID-19 is scary for everyone. We have decent protocols in place, but I think things are going to be different for everyone in the next few weeks. Schools closed, events cancelled...some people have lost jobs. It's rough. For me, I worry about being able to get dialysis as well as my increased potential for infection due to being immunocompromised. In all those articles where they talk about the people most at risk...well, that's me. 

And I've fought for so long to survive for my family. I don't want to get sick and have to try and fight this...and if I have to go to the hospital, can I get dialysis? Will they be too overwhelmed? See, I can't put off dialysis. It's not something I can stop doing for a while. I HAVE to do it. Or I die. So, I worry about that. Then I worry about being able to pay our bills. We're stretched as thin as butter over too much bread as it is. We're not sure if my wife can work the next few weeks, either. We're still waiting on word for that. And my "safety cushion" savings got used up long ago. It's an adventure down this road, for sure."

April of St Louis, MO is one of the strongest women I know because of her spirit, and not just because she's one of my TaeKwoDo instructors who carries a sword! She's not a complainer. When injured, she has an incredible tendency to push through all kinds of pain as she performs jump kicks and other physically demanding feats in our workouts. Most people would not think she'd be medically at risk just to look at her.

April says:
"I'm really tired of how little concern some people are showing for those of us who would contract a serious case of COVID-19 and could die from this. Your jokes about the flu also are not comforting or funny. I end up in the hospital every flu season. I won't be one of the "mild" cases, so when you make fun of those of us who are showing concern and taking caution, you're showing me you really don't care about my well-being. Please stop. I am scared and if you can't be a decent human being and empathize with those of us who aren't as lucky and healthy as you are, please just do us all a favor and don't say anything at all."

So what can we do? Author Cindy Wang Brant posted this brainstorming exercise a family did with "Family Quarantine of Love" written right at the top of it to remind them all that these sacrifices are acts of love. 

My last note is that none of us will get banners or balloons if we do a great job with this. A successful social distancing policy will look to critics as if there was never an emergency and we over-reacted. As with most acts of kindness, we must be willing to do the unpopular thing. We have to do the right thing when we know no one is looking. Do it for the Stevens, the Aprils, your grandparents, and people relying on soup kitchens. Do it because you care.

The Importance of Showing Gratitude

You know what my favorite kind of advocacy action is? It's the Thank You. I'm a mom and through my children, I see firsthand time and time again the power that a show of gratitude has to transform a mood or a relationship. One might think a simple Thank You is the easiest thing there is, but it gets kind of complicated sometimes. I'll get to that, but first let's talk about why Thank You's are good and what form they can take in our advocacy.

What Makes a Thank You So Awesome?
A heartfelt Thank You makes people feel good. It just does. It makes people feel seen and respected. You might have the impression that a U.S. Senator or Representative is seen in the media all the time and has all the respect of the office that they could want, but I don't believe that's true. They are human. They get constant criticism in the public eye. Maybe even more than most of us, they crave respect. When they go out on a limb to do something for the common good and it never gets reported in the media, it can sour them on making that effort. Why bother when no one cares? A genuine Thank You can turn an attitude around for them, just like it can for us. 

It's not only the members who can be profoundly affected by gratitude. Aides tell me that most constituents who meet with them are coming to tell them off for doing things the constituents don't like. I had one staffer get a little teary after I showed her pictures of children in Uganda with brighter futures because of a vote from my Congresswoman. She said, "You know, no one comes in here to thank us like this." I guarantee you she was all ears to hear our next request. Aides are the invisible folks in the background working long hours. We have the power to make them feel appreciated when we take the time to recognize their efforts!

How Can We Thank Members of Congress?
These are all ways I express gratitude to my members of Congress when they take action I asked them to do.

A hand-written note
You can use a piece of lined notebook paper or a pretty card just like you would send to your Grandma! The hand-writing ensures the office knows that you didn't simpycut and paste a message. You really took the time to do it personally! 

A phone call to the members' office
It doesn't take much time to call up and say thanks. If you have 5-10 friends call with you, it can make quite an impression that multiple voters are watching and caring what they do.

A face-to-face thank you to the member or their aide in a sit down meeting
Nothing sets the tone of a meeting more positively than a Thank You. Even if your member hasn't done anything for you yet, you can thank them for their service. Every election, your member of Congress is out in front of your community for judgement. They constantly travel back and forth from home to the capitol. That's a drag. You can also thank them for choosing to be in a position to help millions of people. (With your meeting request, you'll have just the way for them to do that, right?) You can at least thank them for those things. 

A public thank you in a letter to the editor
Even better than a private Thank You is one that a lot of people can see in the local newspaper! When you get a letter to the editor published that tells the folks back home about something great that the member has done, you're doing them a favor and you're showing them that you are a person of influence. You could easily also write about them NOT taking your actions, right? These letters to the editor are handy in those face-to-face meetings I mentioned above. It adds more weight to your verbal words. (For advice on how to get on published see my Advocacy Made Easy: Writing a Letter to the Editor blog)


Why are Thank You's Sometimes Hard?
The hardest time to thank is when the member of Congress is working in opposition to policies or ideals that you hold dear. Unfortunately, this happens quite a lot in our current toxic political atmosphere. Politics are unbelievably messy. I believe this is mostly because people and their endless complexities are messy. Many times, I've been looking at a member of Congress thinking "How could they possibly be doing X which is so horrible when we convinced them to do Y on this other issue which is so great?" It's hard to grasp. Sometimes those hurtful things make me want to give up and disengage, but then who would be there to help them do the things that help people in need?

At the end of outreach training sessions, I often invite participants to take an easy advocacy action like writing a Thank You note. It helps to both solidify a member's position in our favor and it helps the new volunteers learn about something positive the member did. I've had potential volunteers at my training sessions tell me at the end of the workshop, "Look, I admire what you're doing, but I could never thank that person for anything" and walk out. I get it. Our polarized culture hardens us into believing the worst about others and what is possible. Yet because my cause is so important to the people I serve, I write the Thank You's anyway. I think it helps to change my heart, so I can continue the work.

You may not like everything everyone does, but when they do something good, it's really good to acknowledge it. In fact, it's good for both of you.

I'm talking about politics. I'm talking about parenting. I'm talking about friendship. Actually...I think I'm talking about every kind of relationship there is!

Have you had a good experience where a Thank You set the tone or turned a negative situation around? Let me know!

Checking Ourselves for Oppressive Language

"Oppression? I would never use oppressive language!" If that's what you're thinking, please don't skip this post. The first time I was encouraged to attend "anti-oppression training" as part of an organization-wide effort to be more inclusive, I laughed uncomfortably because Oppression was such a strong word that I associated with slave-owning and wife-beating. Surely, I wasn't doing that! Because I'm a "good" person!...right?

Right off the bat, I'll make an admission. I've been the person oppressed by others AND I've been the oppressor. Because I'm a woman, I know what it's like to be "man-splained" and talked over in meetings. As someone of mixed-race heritage, people inevitably say offensive things to me. I can relate to what micro-aggressions feel like. But I'm rather white as well, so I don't go through nearly half of what many friends do on a daily basis. Because I have a level of economic privilege, I also must admit that I have been insensitive to the situation of others at times without even thinking about it.

But I'm working on it. And this post is part of that. 

In everyday life, there are many slights about race, gender identity, and economic status that can drive people crazy. So many that for the purposes of this post, I'm just going to focus in on a few common things that happen in the context of advocacy organizing...particularly, in anti-poverty advocacy. It's such a counter-productive thing to be expending so much energy to help people in poverty while unintentionally belittling your partners and/or the very people you are trying to help. Which brings me to the first thing to think about when talking about oppression:

Intent is NOT the same as impact
Just because we don't mean to hurt someone, doesn't mean that we're not being incredibly hurtful. Whether it's a bad joke, a slip about gender, an assumption about someone's income or anything else we didn't mean to do, it really doesn't let us off the hook if we weren't intentionally trying to hurt someone. If they hurt because of our insensitivity, it's our fault. We should apologize and try to do better. 

How are we hurting each other?

Here are a few of the most common insensitivities that I personally see happening in meetings throughout the many organizations I volunteer with.

• People of greater economic means talking over people of lower economic status
• Men talking over women in meetings
• Advocates telling members of Congress that they are "a voice for the voiceless"
• Global advocates using "savior" language demeaning those we try to help

What can we do instead?
When we hear Aaron Burr's character in Hamilton say, "Talk less, smile more," it's advice to Alexander Hamilton to avoid taking a moral stand publicly. But maybe we can use that phrasing differently in this context. When I am lobbying with a mom who lives in poverty herself or lives in a developing nation, my job is EXACTLY to "talk less, smile more." I need to allow her room to say whatever she is willing to say and give her a supportive smile to let her know that I'm her partner and I've got her back if she needs me. Men can follow the same advice when it seems like women are not getting equal space in the conversation. 

As for that savior mentality I mentioned, that can get pretty embarrassing, especially if you're a global advocate lobbying with a partner from a nation with high poverty level. I have had the immense honor of advocating with some awesome partners from Kenya, Mozambique, and other African countries. Some of them are survivors of HIV/AIDS or tuberculosis, and they have overcome hardships I can only imagine because they tell me about them...with their VOICES! I absolutely cringe inside when I hear another activist use the "voice for the voiceless" phrase. Our partners have beautiful, strong voices. They have definite opinions and ideas. It's just that my colleagues live on the other side of the planet and can't hang out here with my U.S. representative in her little Ballwin, Missouri office. So, I have to do the talking on their behalf with full permission of the stories they asked me to share. 

Examples of stories I do NOT share are stories my local friends have told me in confidence about times of their lives when they lived in poverty themselves. Those were not happy times, and they sometimes made hard choices they are not proud about today. If they want me to tell them, I do. Better yet, if they can come with me and tell it themselves. But I don't share those tales-even with anonymity-unless I have clear permission to do so. 

But back to savior language...If you, like me, started out advocating in organizations where it was deemed okay to use that kind of phrasing, try out some of this alternative language and see how it shifts the conversation in a more positive direction:

Instead of....

• I'm a voice for the voiceless. (Portrays people experiencing poverty as without agency)
• Poor people (Casts those living in poverty as other, less than, and different than us)
• We save poor people's lives. (Casts us as saviors and portrays others as incapable of saving themselves)

Try....

• I speak in partnership for those who aren't here to speak for themselves today.
• People living in poverty/living in the world's poorest places
• As advocates, we use our voices in partnership with others to influence decisions that can bring an end to poverty. 

Questions to ask ourselves
There are so many more situations, and I'd love to hear more examples and solutions in the comment section! Regardless of the circumstance, however, I've found these questions to be immensely helpful. 

• Am I portraying people experiencing poverty as empowered members of our movement?
• Am I portraying myself as a partner in the movement to end poverty or as a savior?
• Am I being cognizant of my own privilege in conversation and grounding conversations in the voices of those directly impacted by poverty?
• Am I listening to other voices? Am I creating space for new leaders?
• Am I using inclusive, empowering and welcoming language?

You are not a horrible person if you answered "no" to one or more of these...not if you think you can move forward with a commitment to improve. We are all on a spectrum of learning. I am a big believer in the phrase, "When you know better, do better." It works for parenting small children and it works for advocates! 

I'm far from perfect, but I'm trying and I hope you'll try along with me. I'm hoping that in this forum - reading this alone in privacy - my readers might take a moment to reflect carefully about these questions and work to make our movements more inclusive for all. Listen a bit more carefully when you're in a meeting with your fellow advocates. Maybe talk a little less. Let's see what we can learn from each other!